Anger Management

How to Recognize Anger and Handle it effectively

Anger is best recognized and best controlled if it is more understood. The first step in better understanding anger is to know what the types of anger are. If you know the cause of your anger, the better you can combat it. Here are the types of anger and a short description of what they are.

1. Behavioral Anger. This type of anger is comprised of aggressive and cruel actions. It inclines mostly on the physical aspect. It usually implies an attack towards the subject of the anger, usually a person. It is expressed through trouble-making, physical attack and defiance.

2. Verbal anger. This type of anger, on the other hand, merely uses words and not actions. It is expressed mostly by openly speaking insulting words and hurtful criticisms. Accusing somebody of a crime or of a wrong-doing is also an example of verbal anger.

3. Passive Anger. Passive anger is shown mostly through mockery, or through avoiding a certain instance. People who are displaying this type of anger are not showing their anger outright but are devising covert ways of expressing it. They do not confront a person or a situation.

4. Self-inflicted anger. This type of anger is the one that is directed toward a person’s own body. Sometimes, people showing this type of anger tend to starve themselves or eat too much, for example. These are the people into the idea of punishing their own self for something wrong they have done.

5. Chronic anger. People with chronic anger are just angry in general. They are angry with their lives, with their selves, with the people around them and the whole world in general. They don’t necessarily have a definite reason why. Most of the time, they are just angry for apparently no reason at all.

6. Judgmental anger. This type of anger would lead somebody to hurtfully shame the people around him, like his family, friends and neighbors. He expresses his anger by putting others down and belittling their abilities as a person.

7. Overwhelmed anger. This type of anger is seen on people that hate the situations happening around them that directly affect their lives. They usually shout or lash out at someone or something easily. They do so because that’s their way of relieving the stress and the pain they are feeling.

8. Constructive anger. This type of anger is the type that makes people want to go out and join groups and movements. And they usually do it because they wanted to do something to correct a certain situation. They wanted to make a positive change. And that’s the main effect of this type of anger.

9. Volatile Anger. This type of anger is the one that easily comes and goes. The magnitude of this anger varies too. It could build into a rage, or it could be a mild, sudden anger. It could explode abruptly, or it could go unseen. It all depends on the person controlling the anger. This type is expressed either by verbal or physical assault.

10. Retaliatory anger. This type of anger is the most common one. Usually people get angry because other people are angry at them. This anger depends mainly on the other person. If your anger is due to a person lashing out at you, then you are guilty of this type of anger.

11. Paranoid Anger. This anger arises if a person feels, in an irrational way, that they are intimidated by others. People with this type of anger feel and think that other people wanted to take what is rightfully theirs. They are angry toward that person because, for one, they are jealous.

12. Deliberate Anger. This type of anger is shown by people who would like to gain control over a situation. They are mostly not angry at first. But they will be once you have shown that you are against what they have planned and what they would like to happen. They use anger to gain power over somebody or something.

These are the most common types of anger. Determine what type your anger is. Then harness it accordingly.

When Anger Leads to Abuse

When Anger Leads to Abuse

Anger, although commonly felt and expressed, is never an emotion to take lightly. When it reaches heightened intensity, anger becomes wrath. And wrath, as most of us are aware of, is one of the 7 Deadliest Sins.

In the previous chapter we discussed the various types of anger. Now let’s take a look at some of the causes and results.

Causes of Anger
A common cause for anger is the prevention or incompletion of attaining our goals and desires. And since humans certainly have numerous and different goals and desires, anger can easily erupt at any place and time. It’s very common for people to feel frustrated and angry at the same time because both emotions are the results of their inability to achieve their objectives.

Another cause for anger is feeling inadequate and disrespected; humans normally feel furious when they believe that they are not being treated equally, fairly and justly.

Factors that Affect Anger
Fatigue – When we’re extremely tired, our minds and bodies slow down and this sometimes makes us unable to cope with problems that we used to have no difficulties solving. Exhaustion makes us lose our patience and temper more than usual.

Alcohol and Drugs – It’s a well-known fact that alcohol and drugs can have some very disastrous effects on how our minds work. And one of such effect is controlling our tempers. Intoxication and the influence of drugs can cause us to become easily provoked and liable to have violent reactions to the smallest of things.

Pain – Anger is a common and understandable effect of extreme pain. Because our mind and body are almost fully involved in finding ways to help ourselves cope with the pain, we end up lacking the ability to sufficiently control our temper.

Effects of Anger
Depression – Anger is often followed by depression. When we feel particularly irate, we tend to express ourselves very passionately. Afterwards, when we recognize such outburst as abnormal, we end up feeling depressed and unable to cope with the reality of what we have just done. Depression is also another emotion commonly produced by blocked goals and desires.

Loss or Reduced Ability to Comprehend Logic – Anger also often makes us reasonable. It makes us blind to the truth and unable to accept what’s sensible and correct. When anger is the primary emotion being felt, we become less able to think and act rationally and in some cases, even our senses do not work properly because of extreme anger.

Increased Physical Strength and Courage – Sometimes, the effects of anger can be positive. When we are threatened, we may feel intimidated or angered. Anger gives us the power to defend ourselves against stronger elements – and even win occasionally. Lastly, anger gives us the ability to confront our worst fears.

Violence – Sigmund Freud once declared that individuals may have a natural urge to become angry and violent when their goals are blocked. Although leading psychologists had formerly disproved this theory, recent studies have shown that people in general do have specific genes that contribute to the likelihood of violence occurring when anger is present.

Tips on Managing Anger
Be Forgiving – Anger is generally a destructive behavior. When something causes us to feel angry, we should just remind ourselves that anger will achieve NOTHING. Forgiveness however will give us peace of mind and contentment.

That’s Life – Sometimes, we have very justifiable reasons for feeling angry. Nevertheless, the validity of our emotions doesn’t provide us a solution. In these cases, it’s best to simply tell ourselves “that’s life” and move on. There’s truly nothing more to do but that. Dwelling on the bad stuff and letting our anger take control of our lives is simply a waste of time.

Find an Acceptable Outlet – It’s healthy for us to express our emotions – and that goes for anger as well. However, we must express it in acceptable, non-violent and productive means. Since anger generally increases our strength and energy, why not use it to tackle important goals in our lives?
Know Your Limits – If you already know that you’re easily angered, constantly remind yourself that there’s always a possibility your anger will push you to commit acts of violence.

It is quite normal for us to feel anger at certain times in our lives. Permanently suppressing anger will, in fact, simply cause us to act abnormally. What’s not normal is when our anger seems to have no bounds and expressing it tends to have very violent consequences. When this happens, it’s imperative that you seek help immediately. Leaving it unchecked may prove to be fatal not only to yourself but to your loved ones as well.

Commit to Change and Manage Anger

If you are angry and you know it, raise your hand

Anger is not all bad; it is how one expresses it that spells the difference. Managing anger is important especially if one has the tendency to lose control over situations big or small.

The following are basic tips and advice to help you be comfortable with your anger, and being able to express it in a manner that is not hurtful towards others or yourself.

Know what you are angry at

First things first, how would you get to manage the anger that seems to broil deep down inside you when you have no clear idea as to the situations, matters that trigger them in the first place?

It is important therefore that you identify any attitudes that you have which predispose you to a host of reactions.

Do you not like it when the waiter takes about ten minutes to give you your regular order? Or what would your reaction be if the cashier in your local 7-11 store punches the wrong keys and you end up short changed.

Do you vent? Do you rave? Do you feel you want to punch someone or at least scream at their face?

Fortunately or unfortunately, you are not alone. If it is these triggers that set you off, then you have at least made that significant first step of becoming aware of your feelings and your reactions.
Knowing and having identified what makes you angry make it a lot easier to deal with when they erupt. You also could get to see how your past reactions were in order to gauge or determine how your current reaction would be, now that you know a bit better.

Past is past, let them go

Most of us carry a litany of conditioned responses and go through life using those to deal with every blow that comes our way. Usually, these responses were those left over from childhood.

Remember when you were crying and a grown-up caregiver - your parents, aunts or relatives – told you it is bad to be angry? And so you kept it all inside you until you grew up. As an adult, this then gets manifested as denial and fear of truly expressing what you feel.

Being aware of such past conditioned behavior actually frees you from its clutches. By bringing the feelings to the fore of your attention, you then get to deal with them and eventually use them to not be as impediments to your personal growth.

Anger needs to be acknowledged as it is there. Anger that is suppressed is not healthy and if it is not appropriately dealt with could lead to it exploding unnecessarily later on.

Respond not react

Believe it or not, you and you alone have the ultimate choice on how to respond to a situation.

There are various ways to express your anger besides the more traditional ways such as throwing a tantrum, throwing a chair, or hailing invectives.

These non-traditional ways of expressing anger are also legitimate, as long as the pathway towards expressing one’s emotions is cleared.

Responding to our own feelings towards an anger-provoking situation helps expose built-in and buried emotions that you may have concealed from yourself. Observe how self-anger could lead to feeling depressed or anxious.

The solution to this is managing our own reaction to situations, not burying it with alcohol, drugs or any addiction provoking habit.

Forgive and try to forget, if you can’t, then just forgive for now

It is not easy to forget a deed that may have caused a lot of anger inside you. If there are any wounds from an emotionally charged relationship or interaction that you are still carrying and heavily weighing you down, then why are you still carrying it?

There is a natural reaction to mope. Usually, going through this stage helps in ultimately letting go of the resentment do. Forgiving others usually starts from forgiving the self. Try this one for a change.

All in all, anger is a difficult emotion to deal with especially if you are exerting the effort to not deal with it. Acknowledging you are angry and finding positive ways to deal with your feelings are the steps to letting it go.

Early Warning Signs and Your Triggers

Know when you are about to get angry

Contrary to popular belief, anger is normal, natural and healthy because it is a human emotion.

Anger actually is a good sign to help people know that there is something that should be resolved or corrected somewhere, somehow. Anger is usually motivated by something that was brought about by an action that is quite uncomfortable and it being uncomfortable means that it is such, for a reason.

Anger, if properly managed, can help right a possible wrong. It could also help solve a particular problem and even find a probable solution. However, anger is also a double-edged sword wherein – if used in a negative manner - could also be a force enough to destroy people, relationships or even your own health.

Usually, there are warning signs prior to anger exploding on an uncontrollable level. It is best that you are aware of these triggers as it could help you prepare on how to respond or how to be in command of this very powerful emotion.

Recognizing these signs early on could help you avoid feeling regret later because of an incident that got out of control or those words that you wished you never said but are now just too late to take back.

How tense are you

Usual signs of pre-explosive anger are tense muscles. Observe how and what you feel in your neck Are the muscles in your neck taut? If so, prepare to relax and get hold of yourself. Inhaling and exhaling slowly helps relax all those tensions.

Teeth gritting is gritty

Usually when gritting your teeth happens, the jaws become tight. How much do you do this? If usually and always, prepare to psyche yourself to relax. Anger cannot be quenched by more anger. Slowly but surely, try to acknowledge the feeling until you think you could let it go without much fanfare or unnecessary drama.

When angry, the face becomes flushed

This is easily perceptible as the blood circulates more than normal, brought about by the intense emotion due to anger. If this happens, the best way to deal with this situation is to relax and keep your cool. Imagine how much energy you could save by responding in a non-traditional manner. Put your effort to where your power should be – use it instead to be productive.

When angry, hands are clenched

See how in the movies, men who are about to punch someone first clench their fists and then deliver that blow? This emotional process also works the same way in real life. When anger comes to the forefront of vulnerable emotion, the whole body actually becomes tight. And it is the hand that is usually the more obvious expression of it.

When angry, the voice becomes loud

Intentionally or not, this raising of the voice is one of the more common and traditional ways to know one is angry. The opposite of this is cold stony silence. Both are meant to intimidate. All are unhealthy, both for the one raising the voice and the one giving the silence, as well as the recipients.

The best thing about these triggers is that they are all, believe it or not, controllable. It depends on how much you want to be controlled by the triggers. When you are really angry, calm yourself down. But if you have crossed the threshold and it is a bit too late to turn back, deep breathing would help you a lot. This relaxes your body. Remember how children are advised to count to ten when angry, this method actually works. But if counting to ten does not work, try counting to twenty.

Talking to yourself also helps. Try to tell yourself to be calm, think, do not lose it, what are the consequences of my actions?

These positive talks can help take the focus from the anger-inducing event and on the questions that really matter. It also has the tendency to make you less angry.

All in all, anger only gets to you when you let it. So do not let it. It is your choice after all.

Taking Time Out

Take time out to relax and unwind from anger

It is important to know that anger is not an enemy. Anger is not an emotion that needs to be repressed. First and foremost, it is a valid feeling that needs to be acknowledged and accepted for what it is.

Adults and children are both prone to bouts of anger because it is a natural feeling that everyone has. What is necessary though is the management of anger because when it gets out of control it has the tendency to have negative effects on people as well as on one’s self.

The following are activities that could be done in order to do away with persistent feelings of anger and replace them with more productive outlets to express this emotion in a manner that is more appropriate and less destructive.

Wash it all off

Everyone, be it kids or adults, would find the effect of taking a warm bath soothing to the senses. This method is even good for all females as well as males who have had a rough day at work and would want to un-wind from a busy, hectic, not to mention, an angry day from co-workers, bosses and the like.

All you have to do is lie down in water that is a bit warm. It would also be a good idea to light a few candles, the kind that are scented. Then watch as you slip slowly away to a relaxing world that is away from all the hustle and bustle of a dreary and busy world.

Walk and walk and walk

Kids or adults could very easily do this to help ward off any intense feelings of anger. The good thing about this method is that it usually works. Try it on for size. As much as possible, fifteen to twenty minutes a day of brisk walking would do the trick of dissolving and releasing any edginess you feel or any anxiousness you may have.

Another good thing when one engages in walking is the effect it brings to one’s physical health. Believe it or not, walking helps improve circulation by releasing hormones called endorphins. These are also called the “feel-good” hormones. Realize how walking – even in short distances – could help you feel more refreshed and relaxed after.

Get a massage, and get a good one

Adults would benefit much from this activity as their weary bodies seem more vulnerable to stresses and negativity. Contrary to popular belief, this does not have to be expensive. Try to get the voluntary services of your significant other. However, if this is unavailable, there are always a slew of massage parlors around who would more than readily provide you with a very good and soothing massage at your own liking.

Determine the cause

Anger is caused by a variety of reasons. The best way to manage anger is by first determining what it is you are angry at. Getting to know the triggers that set you off helps you either avoid those triggers or manage your feelings towards those triggers in case your anger starts to erupt.

Being aware of what sets you off is a significant step toward making your feelings known to yourself thereby making it easier to manage any abrupt changes in your emotions.

Going, going gone - Let it go

Anger is not necessarily helped by remembering any past incidents that made you angry and may still have bitter feelings towards. Though difficult, it is always for your own best interests to let go of past sad and angry memories.

Unfortunately, this effort is easier said than done as everyone carries a bunch of conditioned responses and go through life using those to deal with every blow that comes their way. Usually, these responses were those left off from childhood and onwards.

Believe it or not, having awareness of such past conditioned behavior actually frees you from its clutches. By bringing them to the fore of your attention, you then get to deal with them and eventually use them to not be as impediments to your personal growth.

All in all, anger - when left to fester and rot in one’s psyche – will cause more harm than good. It would do well for everyone to deal with the causes of anger and work on those issues as well as having efforts to deal with anger before, during and after it erupts.

Relaxation to Counteract Anger

Relax your way thru anger

What are the things you could do to help do away with generally negative angry feelings? First things first, anger is a completely natural emotion. What is unnatural though are the ways and means they can be manifested.

Usually, anger is expressed by venting out, throwing a tantrum or is laid out in cold and stony silence.

Too much anger is also dangerous as it gives the body unnecessary stress and keeps the nerves, the heart and the brain pumping too much blood.

So how should one take a break from stress-related anger? Anger is caused by a host of situations, but primarily how one chooses to respond to anger is the best way to counteract its negative effects.

What you eat, is what you are

Anger is not further helped by eating foods that contain a lot of fat. A diet that is well-balanced and contains more fruits and vegetables than pork or beef actually helps in flushing out all those unnecessary toxins in the body.

These toxins could just as well contribute to emotions being unbalanced and sometimes overly anxious. The body processes anything and everything that it takes in.

It has also been said that the way an animal has been slaughtered has an effect on those who consume the said animal. Eating a diet that is rich in green and leafy vegetables helps cleanse the body from any impurities. It also helps clear the pathway towards a healthier outlook towards life and eventually any situations that come your way.

The way to relax, lessen caffeine

Believe it or not, it is not only coffee that contains nerve-wracking caffeine. Sodas, soft drinks and even chocolate contain caffeine. All these drinks have what it takes to make you jittery and would not be of much help if you need or want to relax.

If anger-related stress gets the best of you, run a warm bath

This is one of the most effective ways to de-stress and relax. This method is good for all females as well as males who have had a rough day at work and would want to un-wind from a busy, hectic, not to mention, an angry day from co-workers, bosses and the like.

Just lie down on the warm water, put on music even a few scented candles and slip away to a relaxing moment with yourself away from the hustle and bustle of a busy and dreary world.

Again, get yourself a good massage as we discussed previously. Of course you cannot really give your self a good massage, but you could get yourself one. Try to get the services of your significant other who could be more than willing to give you a good massage for free. If not, then there are massage parlors out there that can provide a great ten minute or fifteen minute massage on various stress areas of your body such as the shoulders, neck, scalp even on the face.

Visualize your self away from anger

This is supposed to be easy. If you are just open to the possibilities of visualizing anger away, that is. All you have to do is close both of your eyes. Then, try to create that little place in your own mind wherein you could go there to relax and slow your activities a bit down. It all depends on how you define relaxation. It could be a place that is real or not. The important thing is that it is truly and specially yours.

All in all, anger is only bad when you let it affect you. The best way to counteract it is by learning to keep your cool, relax. After all, it is you who decide how and if you are going to let a situation get to you. The important thing is you know how to respond positively to any given situation.

One Thing at a Time

One small step for man, a giant leap for anger management

Great things cannot be hurried. They need to go through a process. Think of the beautiful structures that the Roman empire used to have or those amazing natural wonders that is Niagara, Colorado, or the Grand Canyon.

The same process also follows human emotions, specifically anger. Dealing with them until they are ripe enough to let go, forgive and forget is not easy but is entirely possible.

What are the things you could do to help do away with generally negative angry feelings?

Think anger away

This is supposed to be easy but it is not. You have to be open to the possibilities of visualizing anger away. All you have to do is close both of your eyes. Then, try to create that little place in your own mind wherein you could go there to relax and slow your activities a bit down. It all depends on how you define relaxation. It could be a place that is real or not. The important thing is that it is truly and specially yours.

What is it that you are angry at?

How would you get to manage the anger that seems to broil deep down inside you when you have no clear idea as to the situations, matters that trigger them in the first place?

All in all, anger is both a boon and a bane. It is good to feel anger as it could also serve as a warning and a signal to let you know something must be resolved or fixed. But if inappropriately expressed, it could also hurt.

Try to keep cool, relax. In the long term, it is you who decide how and if you are going to let a situation get to you.

Substance Abuse, Depression and Anger

Why substance abuse leads to depression and anger

Substance abuse has been responsible for the destruction of millions of lives all over the world. It has destroyed careers, reputations, lives, families and even the society itself. Up to the present time, substance abuse is still the number one destructive force in society.

People usually relate substance abuse with the use of prohibited drugs like marijuana and cocaine. As man became more sophisticated, his tendency to become a slave to substances has also become more complex. People have outgrown marijuana and have resorted to other substances like Ecstasy, alcohol and other substances that money can find in the urban world.

The number of people becoming victims to substance abuse has grown by millions. Such addiction has become so widespread it has managed to seep into every nook and cranny of life and no longer exclusive to a certain caste or level of society. Substance abuse has become a common occurrence among the rich and the poor, the educated and the ignorant, the decent and the barbaric people of the world.

Among the sector particularly susceptible to substance abuse are the youth. Young people who have not yet matured enough to become responsible members of society are being corrupted by substance abuse. They are being destroyed even before they have found their place in the world and this is because they are easily swayed into proving themselves to their friends.

But this is not to say that the matured sector of society is exempted from the malady called substance abuse. Even so-called decent people who have good reputations and who have made names for themselves have become enslaved by this abuse. These people believe they are doing this for fun or for simple pleasure not knowing that they are already destroying their careers, their lives and their families.

Substance abuse is a menace to society because it does not only ruin the person who is prone to abusing substances. This malady has also ruined relationships and the lives of countless people who have made contact with the abuser. Substance abuse is, in fact, destroying the very core of the family unit.

One does not immediately see the effects of substance abuse especially among family members but when the signs have become so remarkable the family members can no longer do anything to keep their loved one from self destruction.

A person who is abusing any substance is prone to anger because he can no longer control his vice. This anger will reverberate to the closest friends, his loved ones and ultimately to the society in which he is a member. A person who has been abusing substance for quite sometime will ultimately experience bouts of depression and self pity until he can no longer control his emotions.

Seeing a person, especially a family member or a close friend going into self destruction is not an easy thing. The anger that boils inside the abuser will ultimately consume everyone in his circle.

There will come a time when anger and depression become so intense that the abuser will think that everyone is against him. Some abusers resort to violent means in getting what they want. Some abusers can no longer bear the anger and the loneliness and they go so far as to commit suicide.

Substance abusers need very supportive family and friends to keep them on track. However, some family members will reach a point in their lives when they can no longer deal with the abuser. It really is a heavy emotional burden for everyone concerned.

But there is still hope to save the life of a substance abuser. Those concerned should immediately discuss the problem with an expert so they would know what to do and what to expect from the abuser. This way they will not be leading the abuser into feeling more angry and depressed about his situation.

Substance abuse starts from a single drop of alcohol or a taste of any abusive substance. Abusing any substance can lead to a temporary high but it will ultimately lead to self destruction and a lifetime of hell. It is better to resist anything that is even remotely related to substance abuse rather than regret a single incident later on.

It is never easy to help a substance abuser nor is it easy for a substance abuser to help himself. There will always be sacrifices, trade offs and even regrets. However, nothing is impossible if the abuser and his family are determined to get him back from the clutches of addiction.

Catastrophic Stress = Catastrophic Anger

Can catastrophic stress lead to catastrophic anger?

Listen to people when they tell you not to make a decision when you are angry or stressed out because you may regret such a decision later on. The art of listening to such advice can turn out favorable to you in the long term especially if the decisions you will be making are very important to your life or to the people you care about.

An angry person can do anything illogically when he is in the middle of his anger. Some people who are normally serene can become extremely violent in the middle of an angry outburst. However, most of them regret what they have done later on when their anger has already cooled off. Therefore, it is important to be able to control your emotions when under pressure.

A person who is under catastrophic stress can become too angry to give careful and logical thought about his actions. Notice how stressed people can produce illogical decisions because of catastrophic anger even when faced with a minor problem. This is because a person who is stressed out forgets all the decent training he has undergone and suddenly reverts to a primitive state.

A primitive man does not bother with the consequences of his actions or decisions for as long as he can vent his anger towards another person or thing. The same happens to a person who is under catastrophic stress. This person becomes so angry that he allows his emotions to rule his mind and intellect.

Regular exposure to stressful situations can have serious repercussions on the health of a person, both physically and mentally. Too much pressure can lead a person to depression and emotional imbalance. Some people who are regularly exposed to stressful situations try to survive by resorting to unhealthy solutions like smoking and drinking.

Stress can definitely put a person in the hot seat but it is really up to that person if he allows himself to become a slave to the effects of stress. While stressful situations can be very difficult to control, there are ways to avoid stressful situations. Moreover, a person can devise a way to avoid the negative effects of stress upon him.

The first move to take is to learn from individual experiences and take note of the circumstances that causes stress. A person who acknowledges that something or someone has a stressful effect on him can try to avoid meting such person or avoid that situation. If the cause of stress cannot be avoided then a person can try to change his reaction to the stressful factor. For instance, if meeting a certain person causes him to react negatively then he should try to think of other things that would make the situation lighter or easier on him.

This is called stress management, the art of being able to control the factors that are causing stressful events or occurrences.

Some causes of stress include routine home activities like taking care of the children or working. The pressure brought about by these factors is natural but when the pressure gets too hot to handle then you might find some ways to keep the heat off like taking a walk by yourself, biking, exercising or listening to smoothing music.

You will find additional ways to deal with stress in other chapters in this guide.

The fact that a person who already feels the pressure means everything has become too much for him to handle. To remedy this, take one thing at a time. Make sure that you don’t hurry or force yourself to do things. Sometimes, taking the time to enjoy what you are doing can take the pressure off.

Stress is actually good because it makes a person aware that he is rushing in, doing too much and not taking time to smell the roses.

Learning Assertiveness Skills

How to learn assertiveness skills

Being assertive has often been defined as being self assured and confident. Most often being assertive has been identified with being strong and in control. Being assertive means being able to express how you feel and at the same time being in control of those feelings.

A person who asserts his rights refers to someone who is so confident he is on the right track that he will do anything and everything to make sure such right is protected. The characteristic of being assertive can be used to control a person’s emotions especially his anger.

Anger is a natural emotion but knowing how to express the anger that a person feels takes a lot of practice. An angry person will usually react in an aggressive manner which means being combative with the object of his anger. Expressing anger in this manner will only produce a negative effect not only to the object of the anger but more importantly to the person who is expressing his anger.

There is a huge difference between being assertive and being aggressive.

A person who has tried expressing his anger in an aggressive manner will tell you how draining it is afterwards. Expressing anger can be tiring physically and emotionally and it can lead to emotional breakdown. However, a person who has mastered the art of expressing his anger can be a winner in more ways than one.

Of course, it will always be difficult to think straight when one is angry. But this is the trick and the art of mastering your emotions. Man should never allow himself to be a victim of his emotions and his primitive desires. It may temporarily feel good to lash out at someone in anger but knowing the consequences can help a person control his rage.

An angry person can choose to express his anger and suffer the emotional and physical payoff later on. He can choose to keep his anger to himself and risk the possibility of getting heart problems. The best way to express anger is to manage your emotions and learning how to communicate what you feel to the other person without getting into a tirade.

Being assertive in expressing anger means being able to tell the object of your anger what you want and what the other party can do to achieve what you want. Communicating things clearly is always better than getting into a tirade and hurting others and yourself too.

Most often people get angry because they do not like the way things are being done. Sometimes, they do not like the way they are being treated by another. To make sure you have a solution for your anger, you have to communicate your needs to the other person by being assertive. Perhaps, the other person is not aware of your needs or is not aware that he is already riling you. You have nothing to lose by being assertive and explaining what you want and your point of view.

Developing assertiveness skills will take time but the more you practice being assertive the nearer you will be to your goal. Possessing assertiveness skills means being in control of your emotions and being able to express such emotions in a calm manner. Being clam will ensure that you are able to get your feelings across without necessarily exhibiting the common manifestations of anger like shouting and hitting or throwing things.

Like most life skills, assertiveness skills can be developed over time but once a person gets the hang of it he can already make use of his assertiveness skills to express his anger logically. Being able to do this is a win-win situation because assertiveness skills will enable a person to express his anger calmly and at the same time it will enable him to get what he wants.

If you are angry and you feel like striking the object of your anger then do something that can release your anger. Try releasing pent up emotions by going for a walk or using any of the other coping mechanisms we have included in this guide. One thing to remember is that releasing sweat can work miracles in releasing and letting go of stress and anger.

Learning Better Communication Techniques

Manage your Anger by Learning to Communicate Better.

For at least once in our lives, we have all felt anger – either at a person, a circumstance, or both. We all know what it feels like to be so completely infuriated at someone (or something) that we almost reach our boiling point.

And while anger is considered to be a normal – if not healthy – emotion, as we have discussed, it can also dangerously take over a person’s life if it gets out of control and destructive, leaving him feeling as if he was at the mercy of a vicious, powerful and uncontrollable emotion.

Thankfully there are ways to prevent or manage such extreme levels of anger. And one very important step to proper anger management is learning better communication skills.

Now, anger and communication may seem like two entirely different things, but they are actually quite related – and the improvement of the former may be one of the best solutions for the control of the latter. Here are a few explanations:

Better communication allows you to assert yourself.

You might think that being assertive is the same as being aggressive as we previously discussed. And while they are both possible ways to express and show one’s anger, they are entirely different in approach, and lead to entirely different consequences.

To begin with, while becoming aggressive due to anger may lead to violence, be it physical or emotional, being assertive allows a person to express himself in a healthier, less harmful approach, leading one to share the root and possible causes of his anger by communicating it appropriately. As such, while being aggressive leads to more problems and even more damage, the consequences of becoming assertive are far less harmful, and may even be constructive and helpful.

Constant and open communication keeps you from “bottling up” your hidden emotions – and more importantly, your hidden anger, for that matter.

People can be like volcanoes – they lay dormant for years and years, on the surface seemingly at peace, but underneath they are actually boiling with anger, ready to erupt at any moment. To avoid such destructive “eruptions”, that is, to keep one’s anger at bay, it is important for a person to be able to regularly vent frustrations in a healthy and manageable way.

And the most practical approach to this is by sharing and relating them to other people. You may talk to your friends, your significant other, or a psychiatrist. In any case, verbally expressing the potential sources of anger is an effective solution to keep a person from those eruptions of anger.

Better communication skills lead to better listening skills.

Communication doesn’t always have to mean being able to talk about one’s feelings openly – it also means being able to listen intently to others. And listening is of great importance when trying to keep your anger at bay.

For instance, should you find yourself in a highly intense argument with another person your uncontrolled anger may lead you to become extremely aggressive and even violent, to the point of no logic or reason. But if at first you had attempted to listen to the other person’s side of the story instead of hastily and angrily defending yours, you would have saved yourself the headache and the damage brought about by a fist fight and a bad reputation.

Better communication means you think before you speak (and act).

People who can’t seem to control their anger often find themselves jumping to conclusions – they allow themselves to be taken over by their emotions and eventually find themselves acting on pure instinct, without logic or reason.

With better communication skills, a person learns to find calm in a heated argument or an extremely tense situation, able to step back and think about what’s going on. This way, he is able to decide on a more appropriate method of addressing a problem and finding a solution. Besides, no one ever got ahead by jumping to conclusions.

There are many ways to improve your communication skills and better deal with anger management issues. You can try self-help books, or seeking the advice of a psychiatrist. Whatever approach you choose, it is your willingness to learn and change your ways that will help you resolve your issues.

Teaching children and teens how to control anger

Help Your Child or Teen Deal with Anger Management Issues

He’s locked himself in his bedroom and it feels like he hasn’t come out of it in weeks. You never see him anymore, and the only sign of his presence in your home is the constant blaring of angry rock music and the loud banging of his bedroom door. You start to wonder what happened to the baby boy you lovingly raised, only to become a distant and raging teenager.

For other parents, it can be much worse – sometimes the anger starts even before their kids become teenagers. Whatever the case, the important question is how a parent can help his child cope with his anger.

For starters, it’s best to help your child to manage his anger as soon as possible. The earlier you are able to help him deal with possible anger management issues, the better.

If You Notice His Anger, Deal With It Immediately.

As kids grow up, they change in many different ways. But if the changes they undergo lead to them becoming angrier and self-destructive, it’s best to pay attention and immediately find a way to execute an intervention. If you think your child has the potential to obtain anger management issues, begin preventive efforts as soon as possible.

Early Intervention is Key to an Effective Solution.

The reason why it’s effective and therefore extremely important to help your child deal with his anger management issues as early as possible is because it’s best to deal with the causes of his anger before it becomes too deeply rooted in him and thereby possibly seriously affecting his personality and self-esteem.

Dealing with anger management issues is like dealing with an open wound – the more you expose it and allow it to get damaged, the bigger and the more harmful the wound gets. If you notice something bothering your child, encourage him to open up and share what’s worrying him. Don’t wait until the anger is too deeply rooted in him that he’s blocked you out emotionally, making it that much harder for him to accept your help and open up. Help him out while he’s still open and willing to talk about his issues.

So you’ve noticed that something’s wrong with your child and you’re ready and willing to help him deal with them. What do you do now?

Set aside the “I told you so” speech for another time.

When your kids have problems, whether they have come upon them beyond their control or due to a mistake they’ve committed, they don’t need a lecture from you – telling them “I told you so.” This only makes them feel even more hurt, confused, self-conscious, and possibly, more angry.

Set the criticism – no matter how constructive – aside for a while, and in the meantime, listen to what they have to say. Allow them to freely vent their emotions – doing so will let them realize that they can trust you with their feelings, and that they can be open and honest with you without the risk of being at the receiving end of a harrowing lecture.

Remember that keeping an open and constant communication line between you and your kid keeps him from shutting you out and leaving you without a clue as to what is going on with your child.

Encourage your child to engage in activities that will allow him to let off steam.

You may not believe it, but kids and teens also experience stress. What with the demands of school, a social life, as well as the physical and emotional changes that are all part of growing up (half of which they almost always have no clue about) being a kid can be just as stressful as being an adult. So it’s important that you provide your children with an outlet where they can safely and effectively vent out their frustrations and let off steam.

Encourage your child to learn and participate in a sport, or enroll him into music lessons. Let him try a myriad of activities until he finds one that he likes and enjoys. To him it may just be for fun, but you’ll know that his hobby or after-school activity also helps him release all that stress that might otherwise be bundled up inside until it erupts – and that is not a pretty picture for a parent.

If you find yourself unable to help your child with his anger management issues, don’t be afraid to seek the help of professionals or experts. Remember that your first priority should always be the safety and well-being of your child.

Self-Esteem and Anger

Discover How Self-Esteem Helps You Deal with Your Anger

You’ve found yourself feeling a lot of anger lately – you’ve lashed out on people without meaning to, hurting them and damaging your relationships with them in the process. Your anger has affected your work and your social life. You are beginning to feel like it’s taking you over, and that your anger has spiraled out of control. What do you do?

They key to understanding your anger is to explore and discover its cause, or its root. And one of the common causes of anger in individuals is a lack of self-esteem.

Self esteem and anger may seem like two entirely different and unrelated concepts, but they can be associated with each other in the way that they affect one another. A lack of self esteem can lead to higher levels of anger and rage. How and why, you ask? Here are some possible explanations.

Low self-esteem can lead you to unhappiness and depression.

When you’re unhappy and depressed, you are more prone to be infuriated and angry at certain circumstances and at the people around you. With low self-esteem, you are more likely to be dissatisfied with yourself and your life, and when you are dissatisfied, you are more likely to blame yourself and others for your dissatisfaction, leading you to hate yourself and to hate others. That hate is just a manifestation of anger.

Low self-esteem is that nagging voice in your head that eventually becomes that angry voice in your head.

When a person has low self-esteem, he is never happy or satisfied with himself – in fact, he may even see himself as unattractive and unacceptable. Such negative thoughts and emotions, when they start to pile up inside a person, eventually transform into angry thoughts directed not only towards one’s self but also towards others, thereby becoming harmful not only to the person but the people around him.

On the other hand, appropriate levels of self-esteem can lead to better anger management. One main reason: self-esteem allows you to respect yourself and respect others. When you have high self-esteem, you respect yourself, and when you respect yourself, you also respect others. And when you respect others, you don’t just lash out at them when you reach a disagreement, the way you would if you allowed your anger to take over your senses.

So how do you increase your self-esteem, and in the process handle you anger issues better? Here are some ways to help you do so.

Enumerate the things that you like about yourself.

You can do a list on paper or just in your head – in any case, enumerate the traits and characteristics that you like about yourself. Whenever you find yourself becoming destructive and overly criticizing, think of this list and allow it to make you feel better. These things that you like about yourself are your strengths - use them at times when you feel weak and defeated.

Focus on your strengths, not on your weaknesses.

Once you’ve found and identified your strengths, it’s important to keep them in mind, instead of constantly thinking about your weaknesses. When you begin to pity and dislike yourself, start looking at your strengths and set side your weaknesses – deal with these weaknesses another time, when you’re confident enough about yourself to face your flaws, and either accept them or try to change them.

Don’t dwell on failure, but relish in success.

Sometimes things just go wrong, no matter how hard you try to keep them from doing so. When you’ve failed on something, think about where you might have gone wrong, realize the lessons you’ve learned from the experience, and move on.

Don’t dwell on failures – learn from them and get on with life. Eventually success will come, and when it does, relish it, enjoy it. But don’t take too long doing so – enjoy your success for a while and then be ready to take on life’s next challenge afterwards. Success builds confidence, but leveraging on them too much might lead to misguided self esteem. Balance is the key.

Still having problems with your anger and your self esteem? Do not be embarrassed to seek professional help. Remember that the earlier you try to find a solution to your problem, the better. If you find that you won’t be able to solve your issues alone, console with a friend or a psychiatrist – there’s no shame in asking of help and we will discuss this further on.

Forgiveness

Why Do I Need to Ask for Forgiveness?

Forgive and forget – how many times have you heard these phrases? Most people would say forgive those who have hurt you and have done you wrong and just let go of the past. It is easy to say but much harder to do.

Forgiving is not an easy task. Letting go of the things that have caused you pain or suffering is not at all easy. Other people can forgive and forget easily but most have a hard time.

But no matter how hard it is, it is important to forgive. Forgiving is healthy and holding grudges will only leave you suffering more. You are on the losing side if you do not forgive. It may do you more harm than good.

Forgiving is one issue, asking for forgiveness is another different aspect of forgiveness.

A person who is sincerely ready to ask for forgiveness has already let go of any negative pride that may have dwelled in his heart for a period of time. Sincerely asking for forgiveness no matter whose fault it is, is very courageous and admirable. Just because it is not your fault does not necessarily mean you should not ask for forgiveness. The other person may not be ready to ask for forgiveness or to forgive so it your duty to take the initiative and be the one to ask for forgives.

So why is it important to ask for forgiveness?

Ask for forgiveness to help you physically. Holding a grudge or anger has been proven to be unhealthy. It may cause health problems like cancer, hypertension and other cardiovascular diseases.

Ask for forgiveness with an eye toward an emotionally healthy you. Not only is forgiving good for your physical well-being, it is also helpful in keeping you sane and away from depression. Anger causes depression, anxiety and other negative emotional thoughts and feelings.

Ask for forgiveness for peace of mind. Being angry at somebody else does not give you a peace of mind and will always give you a feeling of uneasiness. Asking for forgiveness to those persons you have hurt or have hurt you will give you a sense of liberation and relief.

Ask for forgiveness for a better you. The major benefactor of asking for forgiveness is not the person you have asked forgiveness of but it is you. You ask for forgiveness not just because of the other person but because you want to free yourself from anger, guilt and other negative feelings. You are not the one defeated here. You are actually making yourself a winner once you have asked for forgiveness.

Ask for forgiveness to renew a relationship. Finding people to be friends or partners with in this world is a tough job. It may be difficult to find new people like the ones you have been angry with. Nurturing a relationship is tough and once that relationship is ruined with misunderstandings or quarrels, it is a big waste. Asking for forgiveness can rebuild those broken relationships.

Ask for forgiveness to have a happier life ahead. Not forgetting the bad things that have happened in the past and keeping anger in your heart against those persons that you have acted negatively on or have hurt you, will not make you a completely happy person. In order to go on fully with life and face new challenges and experiences ahead, a person must let go of past anger. One can never be fully happy and satisfied if something keeps on bothering them like anger and guilt.

Now that you are convinced that asking for forgiveness is not only beneficial to the other person but for you as well, maybe you are asking, okay how do you do it?

Think about what really happened and reflect on the things that have caused you and the other person pain. Now organize your thoughts and think of all the things you want to say to that person and how sorry you are and how you felt about the situation.
Swallow your pride and have the guts to sincerely ask for forgiveness from that person. After that give that person time to reflect and think about what just happened. That person may or may not be ready to forgive you but what’s important is you already did your part and that is the first step in rebuilding your relationship with each other.

Always remember that forgiving and asking for forgiveness are two of the most important things that we should practice as this will lead to a happier and more peaceful life.

When to Seek Professional Help

Being Too Angry – When to seek professional help

We have had much discussion about anger and how it is a normal feeling that people experience. Being angry at something or someone is not an isolated case, all people get angry.

But if your anger becomes too frequent, has turned into rage and is already negatively affecting many aspects of your life, then it is time to assess the situation because maybe your anger has turned into some serious problem.

If you have tried all the methods shared in this guide and perhaps other tips to control your anger, it might be time to consider the help of professionals in order to turn your life around and live normally again. Having anger management problems does not do the person and the people around him or her any good.

Most people are hesitant to admit to themselves that they have a serious anger management problem that needs to be handled by professionals. At first there is denial and sometimes it is hard for them to accept that they have turned into a person full of rage.

The first step in handling anger issues is to assess yourself and observe what kind of anger management solution you need to have. Most anger management issues can be dealt with yourself using proper information, self control, determination, and the help of family and friends. If your anger has become too much to handle, then it is time to seek professional help.

But what if you aren’t sure if you need the intervention of professionals or not?

Here are some questions to help you assess your situation:
• Do you often have intense arguments between you and your loved ones or friends?
• Do you easily lose control of yourself?
• Do past anger and misunderstandings with other people still haunt you up to now?
• Do you get angry and frustrated when waiting in line?
• Do you get annoyed and call people “dumb” or “stupid” when they don’t do things right, are always clumsy, incompetent, or prone to errors?
• Do you get angry at yourself whenever you do something bad or when you lose control?
• Do you find it hard to forgive people who have hurt you?
• Do you find yourself at night lying on your bed just thinking about the things that have upset or caused you pain during the day?
• Do you get so angry to the point that you have forgotten the details of what had happened like the things you said or have been said to you?
• Do you get frustrated a lot?
• Do you get depressed when things don’t go the way you planned or expected?
• Do you get mad, upset, or frustrated to the point that you experience headaches, stomachache or become weak?
• Do you use alcohol or drugs when you are angry?
• Do people have a tendency to stay away from you or get scared whenever you are angry?
• Do you say things when you are in a bad temper than you later regret saying?
• Do you have problems in the workplace because of your anger?
• Do your family and friends think that you have serious anger management issues?
• Are your family, social life and other aspects of your life negatively affected due to your rage?
• Do you often get into trouble because of your bad temper that sometimes it leads to legal problems?
• Do you have feelings of revenge to those people who have done you wrong?
• Do you hit people or break things within your reach whenever you are angry?
• Do you have thoughts of killing somebody you have become so angry with?
• Do you have thoughts of killing yourself?

If you answered yes to most of these questions, then it is time to seek professional help. Being angry is normal, but being too angry too frequently to the point that it is ruining your life is not at all normal.

If you think that you need help, there are many anger management coaches or counselors that help people with anger management problems. You can ask your doctor or research your local community to find reputable professionals that can help you.

During anger management counseling, patients are taught how to control their temper and handle situations wherein they are about to lose control.

Anger management counseling is not something to be ashamed of. Everybody goes through some difficult time in their lives. What’s important is you recognized the problem and are now going to do something about it.
Live happy and be well!